Why Boys Need Connection: Reflections on Niobe Way’s Work

I’ve been reading “A Rebel with a Cause” by Niobe Way, and it has had me thinking deeply about the way boys in our community grow, connect, and express themselves. Way’s research sheds light on something she calls a “crisis of connection”, a slow but steady decline in emotional closeness that many boys experience as they transition through adolescence.

When boys are younger, they often speak openly about their friendships, feelings, and worries. But as they get older, social pressures can push them towards independence in a way that sometimes means shutting down emotionally. They’re told, in subtle and not-so-subtle ways, to “toughen up”, “man up”, or “get over it”. Over time, this can leave them feeling isolated, even when they are surrounded by people.

The sad truth is that this disconnection can have a tangible impact on their mental health, increasing the risk of anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. It also affects their relationships, making it harder to trust and be vulnerable with others.

So, what can we do? As parents, caregivers, teachers, and mentors, we can start by permitting boys to speak openly and acknowledging that their feelings are valid. We can listen without judgment, ask questions that invite honesty, and model emotional openness ourselves.

Counselling can also play an important role. It offers a confidential space where boys can talk about what’s really going on for them, free from the pressure to perform or “be strong”. Over time, this can help rebuild the connection they’ve lost, both with others and with themselves.

If you’re concerned about a young person in your life, it might be worth starting a conversation with them about how they’re feeling. And if they (or you) need extra support, PB Counselling is here to help.